From “Having It All” to “Honoring It All”: Processing the Legacy of the 80s

The 80s didn't just tell us we could have everything; it implied we should do everything. And do it perfectly. Without complaint. With a smile. In heels.

It's been nearly two years since I published How The 'Have It All' Era of the 80s Impacts Midlife Women Today, and I've been struck by the response it continues to generate. Comments, emails, and conversations have confirmed what I suspected: this collective experience of Gen X women deserves more attention than it has received.

In response to my original article, women have opened up about the hidden burdens they carry - the relentless self-criticism, the constant push for perfection, and the persistent feeling that despite 'doing everything right,' something essential remains missing. What's become clear through these conversations is that simply identifying these cultural pressures isn't enough. To truly move forward, we need to intentionally honor the complex journey these influences have shaped.

THE GHOSTS OF 80S EXPECTATIONS STILL HAUNTING US

The 80s sold us a compelling story. We watched as women donned power suits and claimed their seats at boardroom tables. We internalized the message that opportunities were finally ours for the taking. What we didn't realize was how deeply these cultural messages would embed themselves into our psyches, continuing to shape our experiences decades later.

Remember that Enjoli perfume commercial? The one where we learned we could "bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan" and still be desirable? That wasn't just selling perfume. It was selling an expectation that follows us still.

The 80s didn't just tell us we could have everything; it implied we should do everything. And do it perfectly. Without complaint. With a smile. In heels.

Over time, we internalized this external pressure. Now, in our forties and fifties, many of us struggle to accept help or set boundaries. We feel guilty when we're not constantly productive. We experience actual physical anxiety when we try to rest. Our worth has become so entangled with our output that slowing down feels like failure.

As one reader wrote to me: "I can't remember the last time I did something without feeling like I should be doing something else instead. Even relaxation feels like another item on my to-do list."

THE DISCONNECT BETWEEN ACHIEVEMENT AND FULFILLMENT

The 80s taught us to measure our worth through external markers of success. The corner office. The perfect family. The immaculate home. The toned body. Financial independence. And, of course, the highly worrying slogan we all had tattooed on our brains: "No pain, no gain."

Now, in midlife, many of us have checked those boxes, or at least enough of them to be in eager anticipation of the satisfaction we were promised. Yet here we are, wondering why our achievements haven't delivered the fulfillment we signed up for.

This disconnect can bring confusion, even grief. After dedicating decades to pursuing a definition of success we didn't create, the realization that it doesn't bring contentment can be disorienting. We're left wondering what really matters, and who we actually are beyond these roles we've mastered.

THE UNACKNOWLEDGED TRANSITIONS OF OUR JOURNEY

Our culture shines spotlights on certain transitions: graduations, weddings, births. But the transitions specific to midlife women often pass without recognition.

The beginning of perimenopause. The shift in our relationship with our changing bodies. The evolution of our careers. The recalibration of our marriages. The redefinition of our identities as our children need us less. The realignment of our priorities as our parents need us more.

These significant thresholds lack cultural ceremonies or recognition, leaving us to navigate them in isolation despite their universality. We're experiencing some of the most profound changes of our lives with minimal acknowledgment or support.

FINDING OUR WAY BACK TO OURSELVES

Over the past few years, I've found myself reflecting deeply on these unacknowledged transitions in my own life. The more I sat with this awareness, the more I recognized a persistent feeling many women in my generation share: a longing for meaningful recognition of the journey we've navigated.

This recognition isn't about external validation. It's about creating intentional space to honor our experiences, to integrate the wisdom we've gained, and to consciously choose how we want to carry ourselves forward.

Through conversations with other women, I began to notice a pattern. When we created even small rituals to mark these transitions, something powerful happened. There was a sense of reclaiming our narrative, of bringing consciousness to experiences that had previously been invisible or undervalued.

One woman shared how, on her 50th birthday, instead of trying to ignore the milestone as she'd done with previous birthdays, she gathered a few close friends for a simple ceremony. Each person brought an object representing what they appreciated about her journey. "It wasn't elaborate," she told me, "but acknowledging the significance of reaching this age, surrounded by women who truly saw me, completely transformed how I felt about entering this new decade."

Another described a private ritual she created when she realized she was in perimenopause. "I'd been dealing with it alone, almost ashamed, as if my body was betraying me," she said. "Creating a small ceremony to honor this transition helped me reframe it completely. I began to see it as a powerful evolution rather than just a loss."

What struck me in these stories was how the simple act of intentional marking created a container for complex emotions that often had no other outlet.

Neuroscience supports what these women experienced intuitively. Ritual helps our brains process significant transitions. When we mark a moment with intention, we activate different neural pathways than when we simply think about it. A physical ceremony helps integrate intellectual understanding with emotional processing and bodily wisdom.

Perhaps most importantly, these intentional practices transform passive cultural experiences into active choices. The 80s happened to us. But how we process its legacy is entirely our choice. Creating ceremony puts us back in the driver's seat of our own narrative.

MEANINGFUL WAYS TO HONOR OUR JOURNEY

Through my own exploration and work with other women, I've found creating space to release outdated expectations particularly meaningful. This can absolutely also be applied for processing the specific legacy of 80s culture.

Many women find power in consciously identifying the "shoulds" that still drive their behavior: "I should always be productive," "I should never ask for help," "I should look younger than I am." (I’m exhausted just writing that).

Whether through writing and burning these expectations, speaking them aloud to a trusted witness, or symbolically releasing them in another way, naming and consciously setting aside these internalized pressures creates remarkable freedom.

HONORING YOUR UNIQUE JOURNEY

What stands out to me most in this work is the uniqueness of each woman's experience. While there are many commonalities in our personal histories, the ways cultural messages affected you and the precise transitions you've navigated—these are distinctly your own.

This understanding has led me to develop Customized Ceremonies that honor these personal thresholds with the attention they deserve. The process begins with a conversation about your unique experience and the moments you wish to mark with intention.

Some women want to acknowledge career evolutions after decades in the workforce. Others seek to honor their changing relationship with their bodies. Some want to mark the transition from one phase of parenting to another. Many simply want to reclaim their narrative after years of living by external definitions of success.

Whatever your journey, there's profound value in creating intentional space to honor it. As one woman told me after her ceremony, "For the first time, I feel like my experience matters, not because of what I've achieved or produced, but simply because it's my life and it deserves to be witnessed." Her words gave me goosebumps. Yes, yes, yes!

Our generation was sold the myth of "having it all." Perhaps what we really need now is the space to honor it all: the complexities, the contradictions, the wisdom, and the wonder of our journey so far.

If you're curious about how a personalized ceremony might help you process your own relationship with these cultural influences, I invite you to explore more about this meaningful way to mark your unique threshold moments.