Kicking Myself for Saying No: The Year of 50

A call to my doctor’s office, a car journey to Connecticut, a visit to urgent care, and the start of a snowstorm.

A Woman in the World is a photographic diary exploring aging, identity, perimenopause and the stories beneath the stories.

February 14th

It’s clear that something is going on with my joints. The new inflammation hasn’t improved, and the older injury seems to want to keep reviving itself. I spent some time today trying to find a rheumatologist, my heart sinking at some of the awful reviews I read for a number of them. Even with that aside, many of them don’t have appointments for months.

I haven’t really wanted to talk to anyone about it, except for Leon and Jess. Experience has shown me that, while most people mean well, there’s a lot of unsolicited advice that is given. I still remember someone once telling me that maybe I developed a brain tumor because of the Covid vaccine. I can’t fathom why people do this. Project their own beliefs and opinions without considering the impact their words might have. Although I’m sure I’ve done it myself in the past.

I’m breathing into trust.

February 15th

My finger was even more swollen when I woke up, the skin cracked open and a dull throb that made me feel anxious. I sat on the bed and gave in to a few tears as I spoke to Leon about how I was feeling. The concern about what is happening to my hand was part of it. A big part really. But also concern about him, his job, all the things that have to be figured out about his mom’s medical bills and house, things we need to do with our own house, the never ending life admin… all of it.